310 Days Until the Big Five-0

Bottoms UP

I have something to get off my chest. Well not exactly my chest, actually it is the area below my chest. Of course I am a huge Oprah fan (show and magazine) because I am a middle aged middle class white woman with two children (that is the definition of an Oprah fan if you go on Wikipedia, and if it isn’t it should be). FAIR WARNING: I make things up sometimes in an attempt to be humorous. So don’t go wasting your time searching Wikipedia when you can be wasting your time reading my Blog damn it.

Okay, back to the area below my chest and Oprah. The other day her show featured Cookie Jeans and focused on finding comfortable and flattering jeans for woman with bodacious butts. Well what about us Big Belly Girls!! At least women with big butts are found sexually appealing to a lot of men. I have never ever heard a guy say “Ohhh I just love that pot belly of yours, come over and shake that thing in my face baby!”

I have spent my life fighting and hiding my Pot Belly. I want a pair jeans that takes into account my stomach has been the same size as that of a 6 month pregnant woman’s since I was 10 years old. My stomach and I will be celebrating our 40th Anniversary this coming year. I think I will celebrate by buying a vintage girdle just like the one I use to watch my mother pulling up over her rotund middle. Yes, it is genetic. Our body shapes travel over space and time. Grandma was round in the middle. And I bet if I could find a naked picture of some great great grandmother I would see the mound protruding above her pelvis looking strangely like a third mega breast with a little hole (belly button) instead of a nipple.

So when I put on a pair of Jeans do you know what happens to ME Oprah! I have a huge empty space between the denim and my body in the area right below my stomach and above either thigh. You see my stomach is pulling the front part of the jean way out with it and as a result the rest of jean cannot lay flat against me. I think of these two empty spaces as Black Holes and I can feel the air bubbles as much as I would if they were solid substances. Yes I know they have Jeans that claim to flatten your stomach, but they never hit me in exactly the right spot so I always have a bulge rising above or painfully trying to escape from below. Somebody help me!!!!!