311 Days Until the Big Five-0

I will write today!

“It’s a Decision”

I got that phrase from my husband. At first when he said it I got angry. I would be complaining about something and I would say “I am not happy.” And he would say “that’s your decision.” I thought “fuck you, asshole.” But we stayed married anyway because the truth of the matter is, he was right, and we are both practical people. It is probably the one thing that has held us together during all those rocky times most marriages experience. But back to decision making. It extends to every area of life. I realize when I go weeks without writing an entry for the blog it is not because I do not have time, energy, ideas or desire. I just did not DECIDE to do it. Same goes for exercise and being happy, and reading and spending time with my children.

I cannot wait until I am “in the mood” or magically inspired. That time may never come. I have to decide to do it. Deciding is the only thing that will lead to “becoming” whether it is becoming a writer, a mother, a volunteer, a pet owner, a world traveler, or a good cook. There is only one problem with all of this deciding. I am very indecisive. It dawned on me while I was walking the dog, which was an excellent decision because if I did not she would use my living room as her private bathroom. Is the ability to make a decision genetic? Are “deciders” (oy, I hate quoting W) predetermined by a sequence on their DNA Helix that enables them to make decisions and keep moving forward? It would make sense. I see them. The “deciders” they have no problem making decisions, if they turn out to be the right decision they happily progress along their merry way. It they end up making a wrong decision, they simply discard it, make a different one and happily progress along their merry way.

In my case I will never know if it is Nature or Nurture that caused my Indecisiveness. But I have been fighting with my indecisive ways my whole life. Every decision is an internal battle. It has prevented me from happily progressing along my merry way. My mother is the ultimate ANTI- Decider. She absolutely refuses to decide on anything. So I will ever know if it is something she conditioned in me or a bad gene she passed along (like the thin hair). How can I know? Unless someone is adopted how can they ever know what accounts for who they become. If the person raising you is all the one who physically created you certain things about how and why you turn out the way you do will need to remain a mystery. The origin of the species is easier to figure out than the origin of many of the individual traits within the species. So I have decided to blame my mother either way. And now I can move along on my merry way to figure out more decisions.