308 Days Until the Big Five-O

Why?

Why am I writing? In the famous words of one of the greatest writers who ever lived, Bruce Springsteen,

“I ain’t here for business
I am only here for fun.”

I know there will be typos in most of the entries. And, truth be told, I don’t proof read most of what I am writing. I know I “SHOULD” be more careful. I “SHOULD” want to always put my best foot forward. I “SHOULD” live up to my potential (whatever that might be). I “SHOULD” strive for excellence the way I INSTRUCT my children to. (sorry about the dangling preposition at the end of the last sentence).

Am I lazy?
Am I tired?
Am I uninspired?

I “SHOULD” stay up late at night and work diligently to write, re-write, research, outline and set specific goals. But instead I go to sleep, usually very early. I use sleep to avoid things. I always have. It is a really good avoidance device. You just shut the world out by closing your eyes. Upon shutting my eyes the darkness and the dreams envelope me in their cocoon. I don’t use sleep to rest. I use it to escape from hard work and life’s disappointments. So maybe it is laziness? What if I push myself and then get nothing out of it? So I guess I have to figure out what I WANT. I have never been able to do that. I change my mind every second about what it is I think will make me happy. The problem with using sleep to escape is the fatigue feeds on itself and soon I am overly tired and unproductive. Am I avoiding writing because I don’t want to have it be “work?” Or because I don’t think I am good enough? Do I really need to know WHY?

So for now, I am “only here for fun”. If there is some greater purpose for me, my life, my writing, hopefully it will show up all on its own. If not, I will stop writing in this blog when I turn FIFTY and look for something else to do with my time.