360 Days until the Big 50

I Suck. I did not even make it an entire week and I already missed one day. Am I a prisoner of my childhood? NO! I cannot let this early mishap derail my initial goal. What does this have to do with my childhood, you may ask. Well that is a long story and this is a short blog. So suffice it to say originally I was going to lie and post a 362 days until the Big 50 and no one would have been the wiser. Especially since I realize no one is actually reading all this. Yet, I cannot tell a lie, even to myself. I want to, and normally I would have except I am trying to escape from my childhood by breaking out of all those old familiar habits I have so successfully employed over the last 49 years. Usually I would try to cover up the mistake, and then forget about it rather than admit to it and use it as a learning tool. Learning to fail and then to keep on trying might be the most difficult lesson I never learned. Perhaps that will all change when I turn 50. I will fail and push forward and fail again and again until I learn to love failure at which point I will then consider myself a great success. None of this is making any sense to me either if that is any consolation.

So, here is my excuse for why I missed a day. (I will try to avoid letting that happen again):

I had to help my mother celebrate her 90th birthday. That is a good thing. I had to be with my oldest brother who I rarely see. That is a bad thing. Thus, my childhood comes rearing its ugly head. Oh, I have conquered all those demons a hundred times over and yet.....there they are staring me in the face again. Tough little buggers those demons. He does not frighten me. I am just pissed off that I let it distract me from my noble goals of succeeding in life. I consider this blog and my daily entry to be a living testament to my children that one should never give up. Yet, knowing I was going to have to see him was enough to plant some subliminal energy sucker outer of my day. I was distracted, and disorganized. I cannot blame him because that is what he does, he blames everyone else. I refuse to go there. I am going to take responsibility for my own life. I will not get angry that I bust my ass helping my special needs cousins, raise two somewhat functional children, oversee the care of my 90 year old mother and then have to look at him acting like a weirdo lamenting how difficult his life is all because we had a crazy childhood. I have moved on, damn it. I know he cannot, but why the hell does it bother him that I have? But bother him it does. It bothers him to the point of acting like some poor pathetic misanthrope when in the presence of our entire family. He cannot think of anyone else and he wants all of us to sit and think about him too. Well this is what I have to say about that...

Narcissism is a terrible thing to waste......

Especially on other people!!!

So go ahead, self obsess all you want. I know you got dealt a bad hand bro but I was not the dealer and I got a lot of the same cards. You don't see me sitting in a puddle of self pity. I had enough sense to get out...of our childhood. If you want to stay there. Go right ahead. But I know the truth. That 90 year old woman you cannot even spend 10 minutes thinking about made sure you got a great college education and became a successful business man. You did not even bother to buy her a card or a gift or send her flowers. Your selfishness is what irritates me. I know you think I hate you because you made my life miserable when we were growing up, but I assure you I have left all that behind me. It is the way you are acting in the HERE and NOW that I cannot stand. But NOW I am going to have to abandon that anger as well, because once again, I am going to move forward while you will be stuck in the rear view mirror of my life. I know your back there, but I have already passed you by...bye bye

I can't wait to turn 50. I imagine a whole bunch of new opportunities and experiences just waiting for me. So if anyone is out there reading this, I will see you tomorrow.