272 Days Until the Big Five-0

They scream, I cry

I made a promise to myself not to “involve” my kids on this blog. I know how kids hate when their parents talk about them. I hated it when I was growing up. Yet, tonight was another example of why I don’t have the writing output I should have. I guess I will have to write during the day when they are gone, but I have a lot of other things to do and get done during business hours so I often find myself wanting to put off the writing until later in the day. This is obviously a big mistake. I am not sure why, but when my kids start acting up and bickering with each other, I cannot tolerate it. It drives me crazy. I hate yelling and bickering. I don’t do it and I don’t want it done by others around me. I cannot explain how incredibly draining it feels after I try to make them stop. I start yelling and muttering really bad swear words under my breath to relieve the tension I am feeling. I wish it did not affect me like this. I wish I could just let it go in one ear and out the other. But no, it infuriates me and then makes me want to crawl into bed, and go to sleep so I can literally turn them off. Yet, I grew up in an apartment where bickering and fighting was an on-going way of communication. You would think I would be immune, instead I find it left me with the opposite condition from immunity whatever that may be.

So, one day when my kids read this (I hope) they will know why I was hiding upstairs when they were fighting. Perhaps this will help them when they go into therapy to unravel the mess known as childhood that we all need to clean up as adults.