Am I Being Selfish?
I am beginning to think my adventure in trying to do a countdown to the age of 50 is really just a cover story for my trying to find my ever elusive “self”. Why do I think I don’t know who my “self” is? I know who I am, but that is not the same as knowing one’s “self”. I think the “I am” is quite simple: I am a woman, I am a mother, I am a daughter, I am a Jew, I am funny, I am insecure, I am married, I am bad at math, I am in love with movies and books and dogs.
The “self” is an entirely different definition. The “self” is not only the soul. Besides, I cannot define what a soul is either, at least not to the point where I feel I truly understand it on a deep soulful level. Trying to define the word soul is like trying to grab steam. I don’t think the word “self” is a synonym for the word soul. It has to encompass so much more than that. Perhaps that is why I am finding that finding my way through life is so confusing. Oh, I know the old words from Psychology classes, ego, id, super ego, super size me whatever. I tried reading the Eckhart Tolle book recommended by Oprah but it did not help. I was struggling to turn the page and follow his thoughts. I know the “self” has something to do with trying to find our “purpose” for “being”. But this is all too existential for me. I need something simpler, more concrete, something more like me.
I think the “self” requires understanding our individual life’s purpose AND finding what we truly desire to accomplish or accumulate. Is that too “selfish”? When an individual finds what he/she WANTS to DO with the rest of their life, does this define true happiness? And what if that changes over time? I have some serious problems with changing anything other than my underwear whether we are talking about a job, a home, a friendship or simply what I eat for dinner (salad every night for 10 years). This could certainly complicate things for me. I guess I will not be going on any Homer like Odysseys.
I need a major theme for my life beyond wanting to go to movies, shop, read, raise children. The eternal question: Is there more than THIS? Why does life feel like such a struggle for some and such an adventure for others? Is it a choice we can make? I need a goal! I once had a goal of finding a Jewish guy, getting married and having children. Check, check, check, done? Now what? I do not want some high pressured job dealing with PEOPLE. In job situations people become annoying, irritating, difficult, frustrating etc. etc. etc.. I am sitting here all alone with a dog and an very loud (talk about annoying) landscaper outside who obviously thinks he is getting paid by the hour because he is taking fucking forever and I can’t stand the noise. Oh, the trials and tribulations of the suburban housewife. Where is my reality TV show? .Should that be my goal, my purpose and will it lead me to finding my “self”? I doubt it. I need to create something other than two human beings. That was so simple. Have sex, pop out baby. Can’t I do better than that? Maybe I could make a giraffe. It isn’t that having the children was not satisfying, it is just that they are in school now, and eventually if I do my job right they will leave and have successful careers and families to fill their days. What am I suppose to do then? Babies are time consuming. Everything is time consuming. Am I just here to consume time? I know we are a society based on consumption but I have this nagging feeling I should be doing something other than consuming/passing time. And I guess if I find my “self” I will finally know what that something is. This must be the adult version of “Hide and Seek.”
So ready or not "self" here I come. I am going to close my eyes, count to 50 and when I open my eyes, I am going to find you!
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