Lost

Alice fell through a rabbit hold and ended up in Wonderland, Dorothy got hit on the head by flying debris and the next thing she knew she landed in Oz, Tommy took one too many trips with the acid queen and then decided to start his own Holiday Camp, and the Robinson family got lost in Space. I, on the other hand, fall into an entirely different black hole, where I lose all sense of time, and place. Somewhere that not even munchkins want to go and I doubt I will ever see Roger Daltry trying to sing his way out. It is a place I go infrequently, but when I do, I know I run the risk of being reported as missing by my husband. Where could I possibly go that will make me feel as if I have left the stratosphere and entered an entirely new Universe? The answer is so obvious. It is truly the Paradise Lost in John Milton's epic poem. It is TJ Maxx.

And no, they did not pay me to promote their store on my blog, because, well, let's just be honest, we all (you, and me) are probably the only people who will ever see this. And while it takes Two to Tango, it takes a lot more people than that to attract advertising dollars (or should I say Nickles considering the current economy). And it is not the currect economy that drives my insane insatiatable desire to buy severly discounted clothing. I have always been a fool for cheap stuff. I worship at the foot of the Clearance Aisle. I have no appreciation for the finer things in life. I see brands that cause people to pay 300 dollars for a pair of blue jeans and think, oh those poor suckers. They have no idea how orgasmic it feels to pay 15 dollars for a shirt that someone else two seasons ago paid 29 dollars for. It's friggin fantastic.

Yes, today I would not even buy the "regular discounted" stuff at TJ Maxx. I need it to be super cheap to get the real high. I had to walk out of there with 10 items having spent less than 100 dollars just to prove something to myself. I will do anything to avoid writing, paper work, thank you letters that should have been written and mailed out last week, cleaning out my closets, laundry, visiting my elderly mother. I gave myself a mission and then I lost myself within the racks. I ended up with two pairs of shorts, two pairs of work out pants, 4 tops, and a small pink cellular phone thingy that I could either wear on a strap or hook onto my belt. I failed in my mission. I only got nine things and I spent 110 dollars. I suck. I am a disappointment to delusional cheap people everywhere.

While some of my closest friends have fabulous stylish and COMFORTABLE shoes costing 3 or 4 HUNDRED dollars, I am nickle and diming myself to death with 4 pairs of cheap uncomfortable shoes cause I cannot get it right. When will I learn, Quality costs damn it! Instead I see a red tag and convince myself it is a deal. So, now I have wasted about 90 bucks on two or three pairs of shoes I cannot wear, not to mention the time involved. What is wrong with me! I could have been typing blog entries that would have brought you to tears with boredom, or creating the next great American Novel. Many successful novelists have had to deal with addictions, but they usually chose alcohol and it often complimented their writing lives, loosening them up so to speak. Not me, no that would be too simple, so cliche. I need to find a more entertaining, "novel" addiction to avoid writing my novel.

"Where are you?" it was my husband on the phone. I could not tell him. "Why do you want to know?" I ask back. "Well, you are not home" he says and I wonder why he cares, and then he said "It is 6 o'clock." I can hardly believe him. It just did not seem possible. Had I really walked into TJ Maxx 4 hours ago. Danger Will Robinson, Danger! I quickly made my way to the check out, and thought of joining some sort of support group. AA for morons who think spending 4 hours of precious time is worth a 10 dollar shirt. By the way, did you know if you want to feel good about yourself, you should buy clothes at Walmart cause you can weigh 300 pounds and still be a size 8 there! It is awesome. But that is a whole other Blog entry.